In January I had a miscarriage. I was 8 weeks along and Calvin and I were soooo happy! We on January 7th I knew something was wrong because I had some dark discharge and was cramping really bad. I went to the doctors and the ultrasound was interesting. I was eight weeks but only appeared to be five weeks which is a big deal because it seemed as if the baby had stopped developing. The very ungenuine doctor continued to tell me that there was no way to tell if I was going to miscarry or not, and then gave the statistics about miscarraige. I really didn't appreciate it all that much and he was no help at all. The cramping continued and the next day I was in so much pain! We had to pick up my sister from the shuttle and she came back home with us. I said I had to use the bathroom and as soon as I sat down it all came out (sorry for being discriptive). I was in complete shock because I knew what was happening but nothing can prepare you for that. I have not sobbed that hard in my entire life and Calvin was amazing at just being there for me. He and my sister got me into the bath because the pain was so bad and we called a friend of ours that is an OBGYN. He said that I was having a miscarriage but it sounded like my body was doing well at taking care of it myself and that I could take ibuprophen for the pain. They bath helped tremedously but I was not prepared for how long of a process a miscarriage really is. I am lucky that my body did everything itself and that I didnt need a D&C. They staff at the doctors were so amazed at my attitude towards everything and one lady told me to "keep that awesome personality". I guess i'm pretty good at putting on a face for everyone. After a month and a half of doctor visits my HCG hormone was down to 0 and I was done there. I must say that this was the most painful experience of my life to date, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They only thing that kept me from going down the deep end was the understanding I have of the temple. Calvin and I were sealed for time and all eternity along with all of our children. Someday I will get the chance to hold and love that child. Until that day, I have to be strong and just move forward, which is easier said than done. I think I have gone through ever emotion known to man! I seem to notice every baby and every pregnant woman around. I tried be happy for them but it just wasntthere anymore. Everything makes me cry, happy or sad things. I cant watch anything about babies without crying. My one breakthough happened recently, however. A great couple friend of Calvin and I have been trying for close to five years to have a baby and had given up hope that they could have kids. Well, come to find out she is pregnant! I was genuinely happy for them and since then it seems to be easier to be happy for others who have that great blessing of a child. I know that everything happens for a reason and I just need to put my trust in the Lord, but I guess I am struggling with faith because until I am holding my own healthy baby in my arms I will worry and this is the one thing that is truly testing my patience! Here are the positives to waiting: Calvin and I get to enjoy just each other all of the time, we get to sleep in, I can finish school quicker, I can prepare my body better, and my mind....and i'm sure there are others but I just dont know about them :) I just want nothing more to be the best wife and mother. I cant wait for the day when I can stay home with my children and raise them in love. I want to be the one to teach my kids the important things in life, and I want them to come to me for anything. I want them to know that I will love them more than anything. I have realized something during all of this as well. The most important relationship in my home with be that between Calvin and I. I have to first be a good wife before I can be a good mother because what kind of example would I be setting for my children if I wasnt first a good wife? The same goes for Calvin being a good husband first. There is no better way to teach your children of the divine institution of marriage and the eternal importance of the family.
Well that is enough from me! Back to taking it one day at a time :)
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